Not Going to Be Here ~ In 50 Words

I just wish I could hold onto you

but I can’t

So I find myself staring blankly at nothing for a couple minutes

simply thinking about you

I’ve come to terms that you are leaving,

but not yet that you are not going to be here

I miss you already

Flickr/frankieleon

The World a Bit Brighter

I had a pretty great day today

and yet I feel sad

and I don’t know why.

I miss you

but I don’t know what “you” are

I can’t describe you

I can’t describe your face

I can’t describe how you make me laugh

I can’t describe how the world looks a bit brighter with you

But I know that you make me happy

and I know that I miss you

I don’t know who you are

I don’t know where you went

I don’t know why I miss you

but I do.

I hope that you are having a nice time wherever you are

I hope that the sun shines during the day

I hope that the stars twinkle at night

I hope the birds sing in the morning

I hope the crickets chirp at night

I hope that you are surrounded by friends

I hope that you have the company of family

I hope that you laugh and smile

I hope that the world looks a bit brighter for you.

Sentimentality

I recently wore

flip-flops

that hurt my feet

not because I had no choice

but because the flip-flops

used to be my Grandma’s.

The least of many things

we do for sentimentality

Secret Spies and Algebra 2/Trig

I miss you

or maybe I just miss the memories we made

You’re still there

and I’m still here

Right next door

like we have been for almost thirteen years

I still see you every week

We still talk every week

. . . But seeing you and talking with you

isn’t the same as

being with you

I know you’re always there for me

And I hope you know I’m always there for you

But . . .

I miss you

or maybe I just miss the memories we made

***

Playing with the hose in the summer time

over at Grandma’s

pretending like we were firefighters

or whales

or secret spies with water/laser guns

We could travel the world

and be anyone or anything we wanted to be

with an old garden hose

***

Collecting moss growing on trees

and wood chips

and leaves from shrubs

and mud

we pretended like we were witches

making some magical potion

or we were super secret scientists on the edge of a breakthrough

and all we needed was a moon rock

and we would create a serum for superpowers

or we were secret spies (we really loved secrets, didn’t we?)

trying to stop the villain from collecting all the materials for a nuclear bomb

***

Sledding at your house

then my house

then your house

then my house

on winter snow days

where we would have sledding competitions

against the other super secret spy team

or we would create the biggest, tallest, thickest

snow fort the world had ever seen

of three feet tall

that would melt by the end of the month

or we would make snow angels until they covered the yard

***

On the bus you would show me the dresses you drew

and we would oh and aw at them

and you wanted to be a fashion designer

or we would crawl under the bus seats

from the front to the back

and ruin our clothes

but that was okay

because we were doing it together

or when you told me paper was the healthiest, best tasting thing in the whole wide world

so we ate paper for two weeks straight

***

Playing cards down in Grandma’s basement

where you taught me solitaire

and 52 pick up

or playing Rummy with Grandma in the dinning room

while eating rhubarb pie

and listening to country music

or playing Go Fish at sleep overs

and passing the cards back and forth

between our toes

***

I miss you

or maybe I just miss the memories we made

Now the memories seem to be

doing retakes together in Algebra 2/Trig

or brief chats consisting of “I like your shirt today!”

before class starts

or texts asking for a ride home

I know you are just a short walk away

or a text

or a phone call

but . . .

you might also be a childhood away

maybe the you I’m thinking about

went away

with the dolls and foam balls and other childhood toys

I miss you

or maybe I just miss the memories we made

***

To: Mysterious, 22

From: Nerd, 19

18 – 14, 18, 19, 19, – 2, 12, 21

Still remember the secret code?

88

 

Can We Just Stop Life?

How can I miss you

How can I miss you when you are only two feet away?

How can I miss you when you never left

and neither did I

I spend most of my waking hours with you

yet I miss you

I miss your laugh

I miss your pleasant sighs

I miss watching your hand swim across a page while you are writing

I miss watching your eyes dance across a page while you are reading

I miss knowing exactly how you interlace your fingers

I miss knowing exactly how you bob your hand to music

I miss you

and yet I see you everyday

nothing between us changed

there was no fight

there was no outside tragedy

there was no one added to the equation

well except that invited guest called

Life

and Responsibility

and Growing Up.

I now know how I can miss you

because even when you are two feet away from me

my mind and I can be millions of miles away.

So can we just pause Life?

So can we just put Responsibility on hold?

So can we just tell Growing Up to take a chill pill?

So can we reign in our minds

And stop missing each other

and start finding each other?

---

“I have found that no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much nearer to one another.”

-Henry David Thoreau

Pixabay/user:geralt

And Yet

I sit here

and you stand there

just feet apart

but we both feel the desert widening behind us

with every breath not taken

to express these whirling thoughts.

And so the feet apart become

galaxies

each so unique and beautiful and full of life

but galaxies

are known for being large, formidable, and unexplored

and so you remind unexplored

and the universe has to grow a little large

to hold all the space between us.

We are both dazzling in our own right,

but the risk too high,

challenge too massive,

gamble with the odds never in our favor

to see maybe, if, possibly

we could dazzle brighter

together.

So

I sit here

and you stand there

just feet apart

but we both feel the desert widening behind us

with every breath not taken

to express these whirling thoughts.

But at the same time,

there is another “You”

who I so desperately want,

however there is true physical miles

between us,

not the ones we create for ourselves.

I sit here

and you dream, walk, stand, smile, live there

five-hundred miles between us

and right now I am a pillow

without a bed

I am a piece of bread

without jam

I am a lover

without lips

I am a playground

without children

I am a laugh

without a smile

I am an ocean

without waves

I am paper

without a pen

I am shoes

without a pair of socks

I am music

without a beat

But this time

But this time

But this time

there is nothing I can do to shrink this abyss between us.

So

I sit here

and you dream, walk, stand, smile, live there

five-hundred miles between us.

Oh how opposite these instances are

and yet

and yet

and yet

we go on living like these emotions we feel are not truly there.

 

Pixabay/user:skeeze

The Yearning

Surrounded by Everyone

but alone

To your own thoughts

To your own feelings

To your own mind

Everyone only sees this husk of your’s

Not the real person inside

You’re all put together

but still something is missing

It’s not an ache

It’s not like you’re forgetting something

but part of you is missing

Yearning

Yearning

Yearning

Wanting to seek

but don’t know where to start

or even to end

The Yearning