Falling Outside of a Dream

I am falling, falling with no end. Everything is just swirling past me and I can’t grab on to any of it. The light is quickly receding and soon it is pitch black, total darkness, the time when night mares come out. I wish that this was just a night mare I just fall; the only sound is my own thoughts tumbling from my brain. I don’t know where I am, or how I got here. Soon I don’t even know my own name, because all the thoughts have tumbled out of my head.

I reach around wildly for someone to hold on to, someone to comfort a nameless child. Then, I learn I am all alone, no one is falling with me. Every cell is telling me to scream for help, to let someone know I am falling. But will they even care? To myself and everyone else I am a nameless girl just falling in darkness with no memory. Is anyone looking for me? Does anyone love me? Then I scream, at my own thought of horror. When will I hit the bottom? Will I feel pain and die alone in darkness with all of my questions unanswered? Or will I feel nothing because I haven’t felt anything in so long? Will I ever die? Will I just fall for eternity? Feeling defeated, I just closed my eyes and let the darkness be my tomb. And still I fall.

I have no memory of what something felt like, looked liked, smelled like, of what it sounded like. The only thing in my memory was words and falling. I try to put together the things I know. I am a girl, I am falling, and this is not a dream, this is real, this is not in my mind. That is all the information I know.  But words are the doorway to the world; a doorway to making my world. Words to make a world. A world of words.

Rain. Sun. Dust. Hands. Running. Grass. Computer. Laughing. Lion. Don’t cry because it’s over smile because it happened.

None of these mean anything to me. They are just jumbles of letters and sounds I can’t hear let alone understand.

Lips. Breath. Eyes.

The lips parted in a slight gasp of surprise, the eyes widened in confusing but also in all knowing that it’s final moments had come. In a last act of life, it breathed. The eyes turned vacant and staring, staring, staring, staring. A staring star had fallen. 

The lips parted, a slight vacuum of the mouth unleashed. Eyelids slide smoothly back to reveal iris that express momentary peace. Tongue slightly touching against teeth. Air rushed past the bristles of the tongue, a hold against the air, and then an out-blowing. A streaming tunnel of gas rippled the warmly-brown steaming liquid. Ripple, Ripple, Ripple. A ripple in the world of words. 

Car. Tree. Child.

Slight twist of the steering wheel, hands loosely grasping the leather. Eyes pivot with head to view child in back seat. Looking to the front of the vehicle through smoggy smoke at the tree that was half way up the engine compartment. Air bag deployed and the child was without a mother. Colliding, colliding, colliding, colliding. Worlds colliding and destroying one another, or could they be creating?

Slight twist of the steering wheel, led to a view through the mouth of the concrete tunnel into a tunnel of nature’s own design. The mind of the child gaped at the rows of ever upward reaching trees. Views of crimsons, golds, maroons, fading and falling emeralds, and sunset red-yellow filled the child with awe. Fading, Fading, fading, Fading. Moments fading into memories fading into flashes before death’s eyes. 

How can I know such things? But I do, memories and moments, mine or not I do not know. I have sensed death and life and peace and wonder. I have made a world. A world of knowledge.

A great pain rushed through out my whole body and a high pitched shriek escaped from my mouth. The scream rang through out the tunnel of falling darkness, the scream pure torture to my ears. I had hit the bottom of my falling tunnel of darkness. As I lay there, one thought comes to me. I will not fall for eternity. I will not die with all my questions unanswered. I have answered the question of life, of family, of childhood, of soothing. Now I will experience something on my own. I am a girl with worlds and words and a lost life that will be lost all over again.

And I will die with knowledge as my only friend.

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